DooM Nexus: Ten Good Reasons

Ten Good Reasons Not to Stick Your Finger in a CyberDemon's Eye

10. It violates id Software's End User Agreement. Section 28, Subsection 147, Clause B of id's EUA states quite unambiguously that "id Software and its assignees reserve exclusive rights to any and all forms of physical abuse to hellspawn beyond those permissible in the game. Such physical abuse shall include, but not be restricted to, spitting, smacking upside the head, the old fingers-in-the-eyes (ala Larry, Moe, and Curly), etc." So there you have it.

9. It'll piss off the Spider Mastermind. Contrary to popular belief, CyberDemons and Spider Masterminds actually get along quite nicely, thank you. In fact they've even been known to baby-sit each others young 'uns on occasion. All that vicious spraying of bullets and firing of rockets is just an act. You're sceptical and I hear you ask: "And what about that whole business of the CyberDemon disappearing in an explosion and puff of smoke when he's taken down? Is that just an act too?" To which I reply -- "Industrial Light & Magic". The mastery of special effects. At the end of the day, they go back to being buddies and stop for a quick beer on the way home.

8. It's a logistical nightmare. First, you'll need a ladder to reach up that high. In case you haven't noticed, there's a general shortage in the supply of ladders on Deimos, Mars, etc. Second, toting the furshlugginer ladder around could tend to be quite a chore, considering you're already packing a goodly assortment of weaponry and other paraphenalia. Third, ladders pose serious risk of injury when not used properly. Which means you have to make sure there are medipacks or stimpacks nearby when attempting your finger-in-the-eye maneuver.

7. It could result in the next big health and hygiene crisis. Do you know where your finger has been (besides scratching your butt)? Do you know where the CyberDemon's eye has been? The Centers for Disease Control have warned of frivolous and unwarranted acts involving casual touching. The next thing you know we've got an epidemic on our hands and they're calling out the National Guard.

6. It makes them horny. It's a little known fact that the eye is one of the few erogenous zones of the CyberDemon (yes, they do have erogenous zones. How else do they end up with little Cybies?) It might mistake your gesture for foreplay, and initiate a mating ritual. You do not want that. It's not a pretty sight.

5. It might cause regressive psychosomatic trauma to the CyberDemon. Growing up on a remote farming co-operative in a rural part of Deimos, Cybie was somewhat shy and tended to keep to himself. Unfortunately, its rather grotesque appearance attracted a lot of attention from school-yard bullies, who lost no opportunity to shove his face in the dirt and steal his lunch money. Cybie has never forgotten those early years, and despite a decade of psychiatric counseling and therapy he keeps his rocket launcher close at hand. All it requires is something stupid, like a finger in his eye for instance, to unleash all that suppressed rage in him. Then Kansas goes bye-bye!

4. It's twice your size. What are you thinking? So you've found the bersek pack and you've beaten the crap out of some helpless demons that were minding their own business. Perhaps you've even made a Hell Knight or two toss their cookies. Your cojones have grown bigger by a couple of sizes and you're wondering what you can do next that will really impress your girlfriend/spouse/significant other. Then you see the big guy, and you go: "That's the ticket!" Big mistake. The CyberDemon is not in the same league as Demons and Hell Knights. Trust me.

3. It's bad for Interplanetary diplomacy. Didn't you get the memo? The one sent by Ari Fleischer, the White House Press Secretary, in which he urged every member of the Armed Forces to exercise courtesy, respect, and dignity when dealing with our alien guests. Now you tell me. Does sticking your finger in someone's eye constitute the proper exercise of courtesy, respect, and dignity? I didn't think so.

2. Using your finger on a CyberDemon is like using a pea-shooter on a rhino. Wasn't it Nietzsche who first said: "If it doesn't kill you it'll just piss the heck out of you"? Same thing with the CyberDemon -- poking it in the eye, even repeatedly, will only serve to make it madder. Taming this beast calls for terminal force used with extreme prejudice. Starting with a dual blast of lead pellets from the super shotgun to its gut works nicely. An even better alternative is a whopping BFG blast to its butt. Just make sure you have a running start when you do this.

And the number one reason not to stick your finger in a CyberDemon's eye is ...... (drum roll please) .......

1. It'll return the favor by sticking its rocket launcher up your a**. As any halfway competent proctologist will tell you, a rocket launcher can cause irreparable damage to the vulnerable tissue in the cavity de recta. Particularly challenging is the extraction of unexploded rocket fragments -- the surgery involved is mind-boggling. And quite messy.