Ten Good Reasons to Take a Super Shotgun with you into DooM Instead of an Attack Dog

10. Consider the confusion it'll cause at id Software. They'll have to re-write hundreds of lines of code. They'll have to create dozens of new graphics and sounds. They'll have to re-think their maps. I can hear John Carmack now. "Attack Dog? What Attack Dog? No one told me nothin' about a stinkin' Attack Dog. You goddamn mid-level managers think you can run the show! Well, you can take your frickin' Attack Dog and shove it. 'Cos I quit!!!" Where would DooM be then?

9. You can leave your pooper-scooper at home. Map 16, The Suburbs, has an obscure city ordnance requiring you to pick up after your pet. It does not, however, have an ordnance requiring you to pick up your spent shells. And spent shells is all this baby's boing to leave behind. Along with the acrid smell of gunpowder. Plus a nasty trail of hallspawn slime. And let's not forget a pile of body bags.

8. Think of the money you'll save on dog food. Have you seen the prices on Alpo, Mighty Dog, Kibbles & Bits, and other national brands? A handful of shells, on the other hand, can be had for a song. Plus there's a guy under the Howard Mason Bridge that'll do you a volume discount if you buy a year's supply. But hurry -- the deal ends August 31.

7. An SSG is not likely to embarrass you in public. Picture yourself strolling along the boulevards of Map 13, Downtown. You stop to peer into a store window for a moment, and the next thing you know your dog is humping the kneecaps off a Revenant. (Now occasionally Revenants are known to welcome attention of that sort, but really .... that's no reason to encourage such behavior in a pet!)

6. You won't find cops knocking at your door. So you're done with your graveyard shift at the Refinery or the Industrial Zone, or wherever else you work. You pull into your driveway to find the blue suits hammering away at your front door. See, the neighbors didn't appreciate your dog keeping them up all night while it howled at the Deimos Moon. Is the welcoming snarl of a bad-tempered dog as you return home worth a $75 citation for causing or contributing to a public disturbance?

5. You won't get slapped with a lawsuit. Marine is out partying on a Saturday night. Burglar breaks into Marine's house. Without warning, vicious Attack Dog bites off burglar's testicles. Some weeks later Marine gets served a summons. Burglar is suing for damages in the millions, claiming Marine and his "dependant" have deprived Burglar of any chance of having a family, and thus condemned Burglar to a life of loneliness and unhappiness. When was the last time someone got sued by a burglar that had his head accidentally blown off by an SSG?

4. An SSG won't leave unsightly brown patches on your lawn. Remember the times when you've had one beer too many and staggered off into an alley to relieve yourself? Well, it's the same way with dogs. Only, they do it on the lawn. And, as any chemistry major will tell you, the combination of high pH, urea, and uric acid in dog pee may work well as a flame retardant, but it'll do a serious number on your Bermuda grass.

  3. Elegance. Convenience. Humanity. It's easier to ram an SSG barrel down a demon's throat than doing it with a dog's head ... It's more humane to bash an imp's brains in with an SSG stock than by swinging a dog around by the tail ... A lost soul's flame will singe the fur off your four-legged friend, but will merely warm your SSG to a comfortable temperature ... the list goes on.

2. The Society of Prevention of Cruelty to Animals would be proud of you. Visualize these images -- Rover is seen flying through the air, engulfed in the flames of an Archvile's attack. Cujo is frantically zipping between barrels of nukage, it's tail between it's legs, dodging a hail of bullets from a maniacal and trigger-happy chain-gunner. A hapless Spot is being tossed from baron to baron like a sack of potatoes. You never have to cause these horrors, if only you'd be loyal to your SSG.

And the number one reason to Take a Super Shotgun with you into DooM Instead of an Attack Dog is ...... (drum roll please) .......

1. You won't suffer the same fate as the Burglar. Did you watch the report on News Channel Nine the other night? The one in which they said a pit bull took a bite out of a choice portion of its owner's anatomy. (He won't be able to sit down for weeks!) Attack dogs are high-strung and unpredictable. Throw them into the hostile DooM environment and you have a ticking time bomb waiting to go off. And when that happens, hold onto your Family Jewels, Brother, 'cos they're right at ol' Poochie's jaw level.